At the start of 2019 I made myself a vow. It would be the year of “saying yes”, of challenging myself and the fears that had dictated my years prior. I recognized that I had let so many amazing opportunities slither away from between my fingers. Blown as sand amongst the winds of change. Fear had been for me, a black shadowy figure always residing at the edges of my peripheral vision. Its strongly held grip at the meeting of my shoulder blades felt like the clipping of my wings. Having been dragged away from a destiny that was mine to live, I found that I had given into the shadow. Though, that’s the wondrous thing about destinies…The doorway leading to them has a miraculous way of reappearing time and time again. Subtle, small moments and calls to action can be found in the most unlikely of places and in the most abundant of moments.
It was my year to say “yes” and yes, I did. I said yes to joining my heart with another man’s even though I knew the hardship of a long-distance love was on the horizon. I said yes to loving him so fully, so wholly. I have never before been so undeniably in love, truly. No amount of distance could ever sully the iridescent warmth of a thousand stars that I feel for bărbatul pe care îl iubesc. If I am the lightning, he is my thunder. Effectiveness diminished without the other.
Additionally, I said yes to my life’s greatest challenge thus far – Moving abroad. There is really no way to prepare emotionally for the tolls one must pay to traverse through life, going their own right way. Hardships are hard, but the growth accompanying living is nectar sweet. Especially when living life as so to complete your desired feats. I learned, quite possibly, the most about myself in that very moment when I uttered the word “yes”. It surprised me, but it also reinvigorated something deep down within me. A fire that I thought had been blown out, carried on the back of the western wind. Though, ironically when you go far enough to the west, you’ll end up in the east.
It is not without grace that I could have gazed into the shadow’s face. The year of 2019 was a pinnacle year for me. I am not without the shadow still, but I know better now who I am and what I can accomplish. Standing atop a small mountain at its peak, still a momentous mountain-range lies yet ahead. The future really isn’t so bleak as one might think. Think long and think purposefully. 2020 may very well be a trying year. But through the trying tasks of 2019, I still fear, though not nearly as much.
Congratulations on making it through! Take some time. Celebrate you. Growing stronger day by day, especially in life when you know your way. You did it and you’re okay.